ramadan days 1 - 7

I entered this ramadan wanting to really take part in it.  By that, I mean fasting, not just skipping lunch but the entire day.  This year, I have gone through divorce and moved out.  The last 2 years have been a time when I have questioned myself about my faith and what is correct.  It still burdens me, can Islam be right for me, if I came to it in such as bad way (through cheating on my wife). 
For me, this ramadan is about a journey that I'm taking to find myself and to be closer to Allah (God).

So, as I've said before day 1 was a struggle, especially the last 4 hours before sun down.  I had a terrible headache and felt like I would be sick.  I thought that watching a movie during this time would be good since I wouldnt be moving around too much.  Still, it was not a good experience.
That night, I really questioned whether being a muslim was right for me.  I didnt think I could go
through another 29 days of nearly being sick like this.  I wondered if other muslims went through this
or if I just didnt have what it takes. 

Day 2 was much different.  It was saturday so I got to take a nap in the afternoon.  In the late afternoon, I went grocery shopping and did things I would normally do.  I felt fine.  Day 3 was the
same.  So, once getting over day 1 things have gone better.  I dont have the terrible headache or feel sick.  I do feel hungry of course and my mouth feels dry and my lips stick to my teeth.  But, strangely, I feel better at the end of the day before breaking fast.  I feel more clear, more at peace.

Breaking my fast has been very unusual in that I am not around other muslims and havent told anyone what I'm doing.  So, on wednesday, iftar was a chili cheese dog (beef) at an astros game.
Thursday night, day 7, was just whatever leftovers I could dig out of the refrigerator. 

I do intend to go to iftar at the masjid, next week inshallah.  But for now, I guess I will continue my strange adventure.  I want to tell the people in my life that I'm muslim, I'm really tired of carrying secrets.  It's destroyed so much of my life already.  I pray that I will have the courage to do it.

Peace and blessings to all