Wednesday, December 7, 2011


I love to do salat every day.  I love to learn new surahs.  It's what I enjoy most of being a muslim.  I used to do sunnah but haven't as much lately.  I am getting lazy I guess.  I think what I enjoy is the opportunity to connect with Allah and express gratitude.

I have done tahajjud (night prayers) a few times and find that especially rewarding.  Everything is quiet and it's time for me to worship one to one so to speak.  I guess I'm selfish that way. :)

Thursday, December 1, 2011


This is my first post to this blog but not my first attempt at blogging.  I have another blog related to work, computer stuff.  I don't spend lots of time looking at computer software stuff except for what I'm currently working on so there wasn't much to blog about.

I intend this to be a place where I can write down thoughts, feelings, things I heard or misheard.  I have gone through quite a lot in the past few years.  Much of it has been bad, and caused by me.  Hopefully, though, this will add up to something in the end.   The question is, where to start?  I think I will start somewhere in the middle and go from there.

Around June or July 2010, I converted to Islam.  I did Shahada at Eastside Main Center at the new muslim class on a sunday afternoon.  There were maybe 10 or 15 people there and the teacher, Dr. Kazi led me through it.  I felt happy at the time but also deeply disturbed.  The disturbed feeling came from the fact that my wife was completely unaware of my conversion or even interest in Islam.  

I became interested in Islam in 2010 from chatting online with a woman in Indonesia, basically I was having an online affair with her.  In other words, I was cheating on my wife.  But, when I was chatting with this woman, I was always interested in what she shared about being a muslim, especially doing salat.  I learned to do salat online and started doing it by myself, without going to a masjid or talking to anyone else.  I felt more at peace and connected when I did salat.  The more I did, the more spiritually connected I felt.  I continued cheating on my wife though, so it didnt change my behavior at all.   After awhile, I became interested in becoming a muslim, I contacted the Eastside Center and that's how I found out about the new muslim class.

In July 2010, my wife discovered that I had been cheating on her with this Indonesian woman.  She saw a bunch of email messages, and pictures on my computer from her.  Of course, she was completely furious.  She also saw from the emails that I had converted.  This upset her even more.  We were both born and raised Christian and while we didnt practice at all, I never even mentioned conversion to her.  So I betrayed her twice.

After struggling to stop cheating, I finally started therapy and a 12 step program in december 2010.  I havent contacted the Indonesian woman or any others since that time.

But, now I feel left with a dilemma.  What am I?  Do I give up being muslim?  I would not have become interested in Islam if I wasnt cheating so the whole premise for becoming a muslim is off.  But, I still feel strongly about it.  I still love salat.  This is where I feel lost.  I still do salat, but don't go to masjid or anything else really.  I did fast during Ramadhan. But, I'm very much in the closet and don't want people to know.  I have told my wife that I still do salat.  I am a terrible muslim.

Also, during the last year, I have learned more about sufism and become interested in it.  I became interested in it from reading Rumi.  And I have taken a zen meditation class, and have become more interested in in zen as well.  I meditate every day now and do some reading.

I guess this is all very scattered but I am just starting.  I am trying to be as honest as I can.