pre-ramadan

I have neglected this blog though I have thought of posting again many times.  It's been almost a year since the end of ramadan last year since I have posted.  So, since last year, I have started learning to read Arabic. I can now recognize characters by themselves but still struggle to recognize them in words.  I finally told my dad that I'm muslim.  It wasnt that big a deal actually.  My dad is non-religious for the most part.  He believes in God but I can't remember the last time he went to church.  He has been attending Torah study classes for awhile as well.

I have done a couple of optional fasts, on the 13,14, 15 or rejab and shaban.  I think it helped me after making some mistakes in my life.  I am looking forward to this year's ramadan.  I wish I could read Arabic well enough to be able to read the Quran but inshallah that will happen in the future.

eid

I got up early today and didnt eat breakfast right away.  I had coffee and did some stretching.  It rained all night and into the early morning.  It stopped as I got ready to go Eid prayer.  I had been worried that I might get wet walking over to the convention center near my home.

It was about a mile walking over.  There was no rain.  The walk felt really wonderful.  I got there and sat up front on the fourth row.  First, there was takbeerat which is repeating 'allahu akbar' over and over by different people.  This took about an hour. 

Then there was the eid prayer itself.  Which was only two rakats and then some short speeches. 
They actually had to repeat the prayer because people got stuck in traffic.  There were so many people there.  Must have been thousands.  I was hanging around after the prayer and I ran into someone I see in the prayer room at work.  It was nice to see a familiar face.  Then later I met
someone else I knew.  I got his phone number.  He is the guy that does the adhan at jumah.
I am glad I made contact with another muslim.  I would like to have some more muslim friends.

I walked home, this time it was raining but I didnt mind at all.  It wasnt raining too hard and I
enjoyed getting to walk to a place where I could pray with thousands of other muslims.

Peace and blessings to all

ramadan day 30

I made it!  Ramadan has come and gone.  30 days of fasting.  After the first day, I didnt think I would get through fasting for an entire month.  I have been feeling a lot of gratitude today.  I'm grateful for the special friends that I have, that support and encourage me.  I am grateful that my ex wife and I have a good friendship.  I am grateful that I am not doing the insane things that I was doing 2 years ago. 

I will enjoy my exta hour of sleep tomorrow and lunch!  I will most likely go to Eid Salat tomorrow.  It's near enough that I can walk there.  I'm so tired though, the though of sleeping after fajr until noon sounds tempting.

Anyway, I am proud of myself for taking on fasting during this ramadan.  Just to reflect on what I did:
I fast the entire 30 days.
I started attending the class for new muslims again
I attended iftar at the mosque.
I almost finished reading the quran. 
I learned more about taqwa.

I hope this is just the start of my spiritual journey, inshallah. 

Peace and blessings to all

ramadan day 29

I feel exhausted today.  I slept some but still feel tired.  That has been the overwhelming feeling during ramadan. Part of me wants to skip Eid prayer altogether and sleep until noon on sunday.
I hope to get some rest tomorrow afternoon.

I havent completed reading the quran for today.  I read some this afternoon but I got so tired I just went to sleep. 

As I was leaving the mosque after jumah today, I felt really lonely.   I wonder if I will ever have friends or feel a part of the muslim community here.  It's times like this where I start to doubt myself. Like, maybe being a muslim is a bad idea for me or I will never belong.  I dont know.  I feel closer to Allah so that's great.

Peace and blessings to all

ramadan day 28

Today was last day of fasting while in the office.  Next week, I will be back to emptying out the water cooler. :)  Once again, I got to the end of the day, and didnt realize right away that it was time to break my fast.  I wasnt in a big rush to drink water.  I just had a little juice and some raisins and walnuts and then went to do magrib.

I had my third interview with the company in Singapore.  Another hour long technical interview.  Last week, I was upset and felt like a loser.  At the end of tonight's call I just was glad to have it be
over.  I would love to live somewhere overseas but I'm not sure this is the place for me.  I'll just turn it over to Allah. 

I feel tired still.  I took a nap before breaking fast but I still feel tired.  I was trying to finish my quran reading for the day and I just couldnt get my brain to process anymore.  I still have some to do before sleeping.

Peace and blessings to all

ramadan day 27

I have gotten so used to my fasting pattern, it's hard to imagine what I did before.  I will appreciate the extra hour of sleep and being able to drink water when I'm thirsty.  I don't know if I feel any more pure after fasting during ramadan.  But I did learn that I can live without even water for long periods. 

I have kept up with my quran reading.  I will be happy to have completed it on saturday.  I guess something always seems to bother me about Abrahamic religions (Islam, Christianity, Judaism) is
the need to threaten people with hell.  Or I should say it is certainly brought up a lot. 

I have my third interview for the Singapore job.  I keep debating whether I really want to go or not. 
I can stay here and continue to go through life as a closet muslim with no real muslim friends but
still comfortable.  Or I could go to Singapore.  I could really start life over there.  But I would be
far from home, I dont know if I will like the job, and I dont know anyone really. 

I pray that Allah will guide me in the right direction.

Peace and blessings to all

ramadan day 26

I was doing laundry late last night and didnt get to bed until midnight.  Then, having to get up at 4am to cook suhoor and do my cardio exercise was brutal.  I was so tired all day.  Some times I would be sitting at my desk, close my eyes for a second and could almost feel myself going to sleep.  I made it through the day came home and immediately took  a nap.  I have pretty much adjusted to fasting and being without food and drink.  The lack of sleep really does me in still. 

I know that other muslims will stay at the mosque to pray on the odd numbered nights in order to hit the night of power.  When I was there sunday, I saw sleeping bags in the back of the prayer hall in the mosque.  I dont know if I could do that if I was working during the day at the same time. 

It's just not good for me emotionally or physically when I'm sleep deprived.  I get upset much more easily and worse I get really absent minded.

I heard from the recruiter in Singapore this morning.  The company definitely is interested in me and wants to do a third interview.  It's another technical interview, which is all of the fun of having your teeth pulled I imagine.   See how it goes.